Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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