ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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