Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
