i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
