YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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