I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
