So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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