she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
