Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
