I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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