I met the friendliest cop last night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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