If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
