in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
