Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
handjob tips. give me some.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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