I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
this is an emotional support booty call
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
