how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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