life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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