we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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