I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize