I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
