I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
