I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
