Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
