very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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