im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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