I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
is wine microwaveable?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
