I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize