No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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