What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
