I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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