I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
