I must be too annoying 4 u.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
