Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
