One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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