I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
