I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
