Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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