kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
