Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
