you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize