Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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