Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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