so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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