i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize