your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
