got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
