He disabled his match.com account in front of me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Everclear isn't food dammit
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
