Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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