Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
