Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize