My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
