Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
