My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
