he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
