apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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