At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
