you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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